Barriss felt the warmth of the sun penetrate her exterior, its heat saturating her skin and warming the muscles and bones beneath. She breathed in the sweet-smelling air with enormous inhalations, expanding her diaphragm to its limits with each breath and subsequent release. Despite her closed eyes she saw the vastness of her surroundings in intricate detail, how each element added to the vibrancy of life all about her, an uncomplicated yet fully orchestrated chaos of purpose and beauty. She focused on the gurgling sound of the small river a few meters distant in the copse of flora they had yet to depart from, how it provided certain measures of static comfort in the wake of the unknowable. How a flight of small birds, flying in unison back and forth, provided a percussion of sorts on the very air she was breathing. She was acutely aware of how long she had been seated in this position, patiently waiting for further contact from the voice she had heard earlier, a voice that she, unknowingly at the time, had fully expected. Not one shred of frustration brewed itself in her cauldron of emotion, nor inkling of agitation taking root in her thoughts at the complete silence since bequeathing mercy upon the feline.
What thought she could not render silent, despite her many attempts to do so, was her relation to time itself. She had not bothered informing herself what oddities the Planet’s cycles may have but could not shake the feeling that she was experiencing the longest day of her life. Her mind associated the sounds around her with the sounds she’d experienced in the past, knowing that a single tone emitting from any source was an establishment in each timeline. A bird’s warble could be answered by a mate in seconds. The rush of water around a single river stone is a constant never-ending measure. The rustle of leaves from the surrounding vegetation would last only as long as the air pushing them, the wind itself adhering to its own chaotic but organized flow. Piecing together these elements, Barriss established an involuntary count of the seconds and minutes that were passing by, yet she knew the sun hadn’t moved much at all above her since her encounter with the large cat who was curled up next to her. Time just seemed to not exist.
A rustle to her right brought Barriss out of her meditation with a solidified peace within her soul. She batted her eyes a few times to adjust to the bright light of mid-day catching Quin’s form raising itself from the bed of crushed grasses it had made for himself and Eerie only a few meters distant. She watched as he padded silently toward her, bent to lick her open palm as he passed, and proceeded into the copse. The only sound marking his intrusion was a slight change in pitch his mouth created within the flowing waters. She turned her gaze to Eerie who was waking as well, mouth stretched wide in an unabashed yawn that exposed the entirety of her surprisingly massive jaws. Taking the cue, Barriss stretched her legs before her, wiggling her toes freely in the warm breeze. She pushed her arms high into the air and flexed her fingers, feeling the warm sun touch each individually before turning them to the ground beneath her and pushing her on to her feet.
Barriss turned her attention to the cat, a massive newcomer that for some reason had decided to stay. She studied the carnivore, noting the intricacies of its form. She supposed it was male due to its decision to stay but questioned that very conclusion as it defied her knowledge of basic biological instincts. Why then had it decided as such? She watched as it slowly opened its own eyes, blinking as she did to readjust to the light. He opened his own mouth to yawn in the fresh air, exposing the razor-sharp hooked teeth that lined each segment of its own massive jaws. Barriss tilted her head to the side in contemplation as the feline pushed its forelegs as far as they could reach to shake the stiffness out of the tightly packed muscles beneath the snowy fur. Dagger length claws raking at unseen foes before it retracted them and lifted itself from the ground. Standing two meters high he turned his gaze straight into hers, locking eyes with her briefly before, it too, slowly padded toward the rushing waters. Again, his presence came into question. ‘Is it a representation of something I am to divine?’ She thought, an ode, she knew, birthed directly from every teacher she had known, and the lessons contained within. ‘I should be afraid.’ She followed up, wondering why she wasn’t. She knew the answer of course, that she was more powerful, but that would have been true of most beings, sentient or non. This thought struck her as the accompanying emotions did not correlate. She didn’t care if she was more powerful than this predator and answered her own question. Circling back to thoughts of former teachers, masters, she could not deny the messages they had imparted, particularly those regarding fear. Unduli advised negating any notion of attachment to a particular thing thereby eliminating any fear born from losing it. Sidious advised embracing the passion derived from a particular thing to utilize the emotion to overpower any associated fear it may elicit. Vader was perpetually angry and seemed to fear nothing but would advise destruction of the fear itself, eliminate its source outright. In retrospect, she realized none of them were wrong, but more to the point, understood in the moment that she had been, in fact, practicing all three recitations simultaneously for years. What this cat represented then she needed to understand fully and recircled on thoughts of her masters, slapping her hand hard against her forehead when a memory attacked her consciousness. A mission from her incredibly early days as Master Unduli’s padawan. They had traveled… “Where?” She asked aloud as she couldn’t remember. She couldn’t even remember the reason for leaving the temple, but she did remember the attack. A Corellian Dire Cat sprang from some underbrush and had bitten the back of her neck hard before her Master could react. She remembered the blood. She distinctly remembered the pain. She remembered her Master losing her focus and crying out in alarm before feeling her warm hands surround the pain in a cool embrace that subtly numbed the suffering she was enduring. Unduli had expressed a deeply rooted sympathy that had reduced her to tears. Barriss opened her mouth in shock at the memory, knowing only now that her former Master had defied her own teachings and created a bond derived from emotion. Instinctively, Barriss reached toward the back of her neck to feel for the scars she hadn’t thought about in decades, patting lightly from the base of her skull to her shoulders. With a frown forming she brought both hands up in a concerted effort to locate the scars she knew were there and felt nothing but the smoothness of her unflawed flesh beneath her fingertips. Unduli told her they would remain with her through the rest of her days, and Barriss herself remembered running her fingers over the ridged blemishes. “What?” Was all she found herself saying as she concluded that they were no longer there. With a flooding rush of emotion, she was all at once surprised, horrified, interested, hostile, and afraid. Something that was unique to her was no longer and she knew Bacta was not to blame. Memories aside, it was the single physical bridge she always knew she possessed from her earliest consciousness. This could not be. She began to scratch at her flesh, pulling her hands further with her fingernails down her neck, reaching with determined focus for a feature that simply wasn’t there. She began to claw at the skin feeling it give under her nails, feeling a warm wetness run down her back. Reason gave way to fanaticism as she continued to peel small sections of her flesh away, feeling the dampness spread to the small of her back. She was completely unaware of Eerie’s presence at her side but was educated in short order by the lashing of her tail across her chest. Barriss was knocked backward off her feet, landing with a thud in the grasses on her backside. The blow, although not painful, was strong enough to deprive her lungs of air. Gasping to regain control, she snapped out of the feverish self-hostility and could do nothing but stare up into the cloudless sky that was rapidly spinning out of control. She was vaguely aware of a single bird rotating in a tight circle directly overhead before a peripherally encroaching darkness consumed her fully.
A raucous and unnervingly obnoxious sound echoed through Barriss’ head. Sounds within sounds feeding upon themselves, chords belted out with a head splitting pitch, ripping her mind out of its protective stupor. She dared to open her eyes and prepared to squint the sunlight from advancing through her retina and found that she was surrounded by complete darkness. She pushed herself up into a seated position, a searing pain tearing at her back. She instinctively reached a hand around to the source to find her tunic plastered to her back. Peeling it back slowly she felt every centimeter of the dried blood protesting the action from waist to shoulders but avoided screaming out the pain that shot through her from head to toe.
Despite the absolute darkness surrounding her, Barriss thought she saw a form within it as she regained her focus. The form had a human quality to it that drew her attention fully. She attempted to stand but found she was tightly surrounded by the two Thumpers at her sides and the cat in front of her, forming a protective boundary. As her eyes continued to adapt to the darkness, definition began taking shape, presenting the form as a cloaked being. Barriss didn’t need to see any more. “Master.” She said from her seated position and only watched as Luminara Unduli reached up to remove the shroud from her head.
“Why do insist on dragging me back to this realm padawan.” The words were hollow, whispered with dripping contempt.
Barriss froze in both physical action and complete thought. She was completely unaware that she had called upon her former master at all.
“Your conflict padawan. Your conflict betrays you.” Unduli whispered again, silencing all other sounds around her. The constant chirps of the night-borne insects and occasional cry in the distance of some nocturnal skirmish were swallowed to completion by the forceful whisper.
“What conflict Master? I have chosen my path….there is no conflict.” Barriss replied in an uneven tone, realizing how noncommittal the phrase sounded even to herself.
“You have in fact chosen nothing padawan for you do not even know who you are.” Unduli responded, taking the brief conversation down a path Barriss could never have suspected.
“Until you can come to terms with your own reality, you will cling to what you think you are.” The words sounding almost melodious, Barriss recessing within her mind to points in the distant past. She began to weep silently, feeling as though she were a child caught in a lie. “Look around you padawan.” Unduli continued, appearing to move closer to a point just beyond the body of the feline. “At your feet lies fear. A fact you failed to realize when you first encountered him. What is the meaning in that I ask you?”
Barriss swirled the question within her mind, unsure if she should entertain the question with an answer or ponder the sanity of answering the question at all. She decided on another route entirely, “I do not mock you Master.”
The figure of Unduli sat, crossing her legs underneath her folding her hands in contemplation as she locked her gaze on Barriss. “But you do padawan. You mock me through the contempt with which you carry yourself.” Barriss considered the comment for a long moment, unsure how to digest the words without further context.
“You do not possess that which completes you, yet here you are determined to proceed blindly.” Unduli tried another avenue. “You’ve confronted and defeated fear and ultimately allied with it padawan.” She continued, motioning toward the cat between the two. “You’ve embraced courage, putting forth a trust in something other than yourself.” She proceeded with a side long glance toward Quin, “And you’ve imprinted yourself onto compassion itself.” She finished with a motioning hand toward Eerie.
Barriss felt an awakening at hand. Her skin began to quiver as quakes of realization shot through her, shocking her system even farther than it already had been since arriving.
The form of Master Unduli dropped its head, her gaze immediately more menacing with the act, “These are not traits attributed to either Jedi or Sith padawan...on their own, perhaps.” She began then paused to emphasize her point, “but not in concert.” Her tone turning dour, with a deep resonance. “I ask you again padawan, who are you?”
‘I am me.’ She thought, feeling the truth of the words sparking a central nerve from deep within her. In stark contrast to Master Unduli’s description of her personal traits she felt anything but courageous toward giving the thought verbal credence, however. Barriss felt helpless to answer without betraying her own misgivings, the sharp pains along her spine a testament to the fact. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing was forthcoming.
“You know the truth, yet you remain unwilling to accept it.” Unduli said while slowly shaking her head from side to side. “Have you truly fallen so far padawan?”
Barriss had heard enough, “Stop calling me that!” She shouted, an agitated foam building at the corners of her mouth. “I am no longer anyone’s padawan….Master!”
Unduli recentered her head, a thin smile creeping across her face, “Truly? Then why are you here?”
Barriss thought the question through and was hesitant to respond right away, alighting Unduli’s gaze with a cold penetrating stare of her own, “Because I choose it.” She decided.
“Diverting the truth will only lead to your own downfall, padawan.”
A burning anger welled up from deep within Barriss upon hearing the term again, her facial expression, she knew, betrayed the controlled measure she was trying in vain to project.
“Careful padawan, your emotions betray you. You have grown powerful in your years, but that power is only a reflection of what you project. I am not here with you after all...am I?” Unduli responded.
Barriss knew the truth of it. Her former Master was long dead on Stygeon Prime. What was seated before her was something she herself created, ‘or was it,’ she thought with a sudden jolt.
“Ah...yes, we come closer to a conclusion it appears.” Unduli spoke with a laugh. Something foreign to Barriss’ ears, she couldn’t remember ever hearing the Jedi master laugh. “You will be padawan because I have no other name for you young one.”
Barriss was taken aback, “My name is….” and with that brief hesitation she finally understood the truth and anticipation, the waves of shocking realization making perfect sense to her as her entire consciousness focused on a singular point. Tears welled within her eyes, and she suddenly felt weak beneath the weight of the galaxy.
Unduli’s expression only brightened as the smile pulled higher upon her cheeks, without uttering a word she motioned with a turned hand toward Barriss while slightly turning her head to the side, prompting Barriss to put words to her thoughts.
Barriss could only stare blankly into Unduli’s eyes, deflated and devoid of life.
“Child, there is no shame in discovery. Accept your fate, then divine your destiny. Once truth is yours, it cannot be taken from you.” Unduli prompted her.
Barriss wanted to shout until her breath left her. She felt the pangs of anger welling within her again but did not possess the physical ability to contain the rage for a singular purpose and let those embers die out. She wanted to pound her fists into the ground until her knuckles bled from the effort. Knowing there would be nothing to gain from any of the options she simply cupped her face into her hands and wept. “I have no name.” She mumbled into her palms; the skin wet from her own tears.
“Thana perhaps?” Unduli prodded.
“Thana was never me. She was a construct I created to live through a lie I wanted to believe.” Barriss said between sobs.
“You did not expect to be bequeathed a title of Darth, did you?” Unduli asked her in all seriousness.
Barriss raised her head from her hands slightly and trapped Unduli within her severe gaze. “I am no Jedi.” She replied with an icy tongue.
“Nor are you Sith.” Unduli quickly added.
Barriss understood the truth in that statement as well, creating an emptiness she had been working diligently to avoid. She could only look down in genuine shame, not from the tender expression her former master had adopted, a shame turned inward. She had lost her identity before she had ever lost a sense of herself.
Unduli returned the light smile to her face, “You have established who you are not young one, perhaps now is the time to establish who you are.” She addressed Barriss in a soft voice. Barriss recognized the inflection of tone and let her memories flood her consciousness, letting a warm peace wash through her to completion.
“My name….my name….” She bubbled at the words, finding it hard to keep her voice from betraying her emotional state. Barriss could only look up and with tears welling through the entirety of her vision, she did her best to focus on her former Master. “I am sorry Master. I was not there for you when you needed me.” Despite the many months since she had heard Ahsoka utter those same words, the thought of the Togruta came to mind immediately. The weight of the apology in Vader’s Citadel meant nothing to her in that moment, however, now, she physically felt the sentiment it should have imparted.
“Time has a way of sorting things into perspective my child.” Unduli responded, “With that perspective comes your purpose and only you can define it. And you,” She said, pointing a long finger at Barriss, “have nothing to apologize for, not to me.” She finished.
Acutely aware that her former Master had answered a thought, she smiled briefly and winked an eye, “You see Master, I do not mock you.”
Unduli chuckled lightly and nodded her head before closing her eyes and slowly retreating into the darkness.
“My name…..my name is Nara.” Barriss mouthed the name she had been thinking through since learning her truth. She had yet to experience the feelings that shot through her from head to toe, like jolts of electricity, she felt renewed in their wake. A warm purpose coursed through her entirely, a peace she had never felt embrace her. In shedding whom she thought herself to be, she had mentally created something both new and ancient. She had broken through the walls she herself had created, and with finality, embraced her truth.
“Go in peace, Nara.” Unduli whispered as her form dissipated completely into the inky blackness of their surroundings.
“Nara.” She said her name again, feeling the tug of her lips as they formed a smile she warmly accepted. “Nara.” She said again and gently closed her eyes.
“Nara…..Nara…...Nara.” Again and again, she heard her name, a soft voice whispering on the wind. Nara opened her eyes to the encroaching darkness surrounding her and pushed herself up off the ground, the sun hovering just between two high rocky pinnacles in the Tiernvaal’s to the east, highlighting her eventual destination. The warm light bathed her in its glow, a visual representation of the swirling thoughts her mind suggested. She looked to either side and found all three companions lying right where she remembered them. She felt life emanating from every corner of the valley around her, breathed in the sweet air with a massive inhale, heard the scurrying, fluttering, and buzzing of Ambria’s denizens all about her. Without hesitation she opened herself to the Force, bridging all her senses together, and felt it flood her with its presence like never before. She raised her arms high above her head, “I am Nara!” She shouted as loud as she could, silencing all the rummaging about her in its initial wake and was nearly taken off her feet when the resounding echo of her exclamation found purchase within her own chest. She tossed her head to either side to see various birds and fist sized insects scramble to alter their courses in flight, arboreal foliage fold and flutter and the grasses bend into themselves from the wake of the echo. “I am Nara.” She said in a hushed tone as the last of her echoes died in her ears.
“That you are.” The whispered voice of Zannah finally emerged. Nara was overwhelmed with feelings she could not describe, bringing her to her knees, tears running freely down her cheeks. She felt whole, complete. Her perspective shifted entirely, she could only bask in the emotion as words had escaped her by their very definition, unable to find any she knew to describe what she was experiencing.
“Do not be saddened young one.” Zannah said with telling compassion.
Nara blurted something incoherent, then shook her head with a wide smile stretched across her face, “I am anything but mistress.” She finally managed, folding her hands into her face only because it felt like the right thing to do.
“Then let your emotions run free for a time, what we need to discuss can wait.” Zannah replied in a tone not unlike Master Unduli’s.
Nara smiled yet again at her cerebral comparison, noting how active her mind was and how clearly her thoughts were coming to her. And with that the veil was lifted, exposing her surroundings for what they truly were. Burnt orange, dark red and yellow rock, pocketed with a fine white dust, littered her vision in all directions. What was expansive grassy plains in the valley they had been traveling was, in truth, a wasteland of time worn, cracked and hardened mud, suggesting that there was once vast waters covering the area. Thickets of thorny shrubbery dotted the bleak landscape, their leaves a dull indigo, absorbing most of the fading sun’s light and creating the impression they were black as pitch. Nara took her time scanning in all directions, finally assured that what lay before her now truly was what she had expected all along. The gentle melodies of what had once appeared as colorful songbirds were in fact high pitched screeches emanating from featherless avians beating leathery wings against the rancid air.
“What is real is only what the mind perceives real to be.” Zannah whispered again, the voice sourcing just over Nara’s right shoulder. She turned slowly, not expecting to confront any true form or being, but was pleasantly surprised to face a stunning apparition. Long curly blonde hair framing a porcelain face with lips half parted into a smile, Zannah’s form stood as tall as she did, the ends of her hair caught in a breeze of sorts that was not of this world. Nara was both entranced and humbled by the vision before her, feeling the power emanating from a being centuries removed from life. She focused briefly upon Zannah’s eyes. Swirling shades of white filled the sockets, hinting at the power she knew went far beyond what she sensed, filling her with a perceived reverence she knew was anything but imaginary.
“You have great potential, Nara, it is not easy to shred the veil so simply.”
Nara understood only then how miniscule her knowledge in the arts of sorcery truly were, as an extension of the being that tasked her with the mission. Had he withheld so much as to cripple any chance of success she may have had, or was it something deeper? The man was either incapable of the deeper concepts or had no affinity for it to begin with. She knew Palpatine was powerful beyond even her own compression, but she began to question his own limits within certain spheres of influence.
“You are right to question your Master.” Zannah whispered after a few moments of silence between Nara’s thoughts.
Nara had a sudden tug of unease course through her as she absently gazed at her surroundings again, “Without even a lesson, Zannah, you have taught me more than he ever did.” She paused in deep reflection. She felt an inward urge to laugh outright. The man had lied to her, in one form or another, for as long as she had known him. As this coming night had already been an awakening in the truest sense, the thought that the man’s self-serving actions would be time better wasted on someone else felt right. Without another second of hesitation, she returned her gaze to the spectral form of the long dead Sith Master, concentrated every impulse, nerve and emotion, “I serve no Master mistress.”
The apparition of Zannah was impossible to read, the white within her eye sockets marbling in a hypnotic swirl as small traces of vapor flowed slowly from the corners. Nara was certain she saw a smile crease her lips, “Then you are truly ready Nara.” Was all her spectral voice said.